BDSM for beginners (and the tools you need)

BDSM for Beginners

To spank or be spanked? That is the question. But the question before that should be, “What is your safe word?”, and somewhere in between, you should be discussing consent. If all of this sounds new and weird to you, it’s because you probably haven’t properly engaged in BDSM, and that’s okay. We’re here to show you the ropes because BDSM for beginners can be taunting yet daunting, and we want to make sure your introduction to this kink is safe and fun.

Thinking about your kinking

BDSM, which stands for Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, and Sadism/Masochism, refers to all communities, activities, relationships, and subcultures within the framework of BDSM. Knowing this, however, doesn’t even begin to cover the amount of information someone would need to research if they were interested in exploring BDSM for beginners. There are terms that are essential to the wellbeing of the community, like the aforementioned “safe word” and “consent”. Safewords are words you use to let your partner know how you’re doing and if they should stop immediately and completely, remain cautiously optimistic, or keep going with everything they’re doing. Consent means permission. It is this consent that establishes the power dynamic. Other terms to keep in mind are:

• play (a time, date, location, and duration where kink occurs)
• munches (where you meet people in life, with the possibility of reconvening at a private safer place in the near future)
• fetish (obsession with a body part, experience, or inanimate object)
• aftercare (the period after a play session where partners check in with each other physically, mentally, and emotionally)

Rookie Moves

Let’s get into some BDSM ...with training wheels. Most people know that there is some spanking, pinching, or other painful components to BDSM. But BDSM for beginners takes it easy on the newbs. For example, you’ve probably already engaged in light taps on the booty. That’s like spanking and can have a similar psychological and physical effect. From here, you can try hair pulling or love bites. Make sure this is okay with your partner during your consent and safe words conversation and things will go smoothly ...or roughly. If you want to take it up a notch, consider using nipple clamps.

Another way to ease into BDSM for beginners is to make a power play by using Sir or Ma’am for the dominant partner. You don’t have to stay Dominant or submissive, and if you’re trying things out, switching roles could be helpful in your exploration. Once you’ve settled into your Dom and sub roles, talk about what that might look like as you progress in your play. Wanna make it kinkier? Think about using a cock ring or vibrating panties.

Practicing some light bondage is a great way to parlay into some kinky play. Try tying a scarf around your partner’s wrists or ankles (or both). You could also try tying their arms or legs to bedposts. Don’t want to ruin your grandma’s hand-stitched lace? A pair of soft cuffs are comfortable, versatile, and affordable, which just makes sense for BDSM for beginners. If you want to go a step further, think about a support strap or even a positioner that can be used as a support or a restraint.

Finally, let’s not forget sensory play. Sensory play is about denying or overstimulating your various senses. For example, you could try a blindfold to deny sight. This will heighten your partner’s sense of touch. You could then use ice to cool a nipple, or drip hot candle wax onto their belly. Another option would be to use a glass dildo. Tempered and made of 100% borosilicate, glass dildos can be heated or cooled and used against the skin or slid into any orifice. A glass dildo like the 6” Lick-it is curved for P-Spot and G-Spot stimulation, has nubs for added sensory engagement, and the tail curves to act as a handle. A bit advanced for BDSM for beginners, but a natural progression would be to add a ball gag to your play. This introduces breath play which is a kink within the BDSM sphere.

These are all ways you can slide kink into your sexy time. For some people, getting into a fantasy helps create a space where you can better become your Dominant or submissive self. Don’t be afraid to commit to it, even if it means thinking of a scenario and/or dressing the part. BDSM for beginners can feel silly even if it’s something you want to do, so keep an open mind and open communication before, during, and after your play session. One of the most crucial aspects of this communication is during what is called aftercare. During aftercare, you talk with your partner about how you’re feeling, and what you liked and disliked, and what your needs are at that moment. It can be an incredible way to increase ongoing intimacy in your relationship and create a safe space for you to come back from the BDSM mental space. 

BDSM for beginners doesn’t have to be scary. Remember to talk about what you want and find out what your partner is interested in. Discuss consent and safe words, and don’t try to do it the “right” way, but rather do what works best for you and your partner. Go slowly. You have plenty of time to try different things. Explore your kinks one by one so you don’t overwhelm yourself. Most of all, relax. Discovery is the fun part.